I considered starting a new journal, but I decided to just continue this one. It has been a while since I last left a message. A lot has gone on I suppose. I could never capture everything and I am not going to try. I'll just pick up from where I am at. That is okay with me and I am sure you won't mind much. So, now I will begin. I'm back in Key West now for the summer. I will be here until the first part of August. Band camp starts on the 15th. I'm glad to be home. For some reason I feel like a visitor. This is a temporary trip. There is a block of time I will be here. Soon enough I will be packing my bags up to go on another temporary trip. Only, a longer one. I dare call it a trip because it never quite feels like home. No where really has since I left here. Oh, the many tears I cried when I left. I remember it like it was yesterday. It was after church on a Sunday afternoon. I stuck around as long as my parents let me. I hugged everyone so much. I never wanted to let go. They walked me to my car. Tomas ran after our car as we left. He ran pretty far down the street. I was suppose to drive but I was crying so much I felt sick to my stomach and so I had my mom drive. I don't need to rehash everything since then. I didn't know then that everything would change though. I didn't know that even when I came back it wouldn't be the same. I didn't know that. I am always in a hurry to do this and that and get to the next place. Sometimes I think I miss out on what I should be enjoying, what I should be cherishing. I can't change the past though. I know that much. And for some things it is too late. In the midst of everything I find myself feeling lost sometimes. I am still looking for my place. I am still looking for where I fit. This isn't one of those searching for myself my whole life type things. I had my place before. For a year now though I haven't felt like I've had a place. I haven't really made any good friends or a group to hang out with. I enjoy living with Maria and Erin though. They are good friends. We get along great. We have fun. Perhaps I can't exactly explain what I mean. I want to help out with things. I want to be a part. Everywhere seems to be filled. There are no vacancies. There doesn't seem to be any opening spots either. ::sighs:: I miss Ericka. She was such a great friend to me our junior years of high school, and especially our senior year. I love her. She is awesome! :-) I went over to her house tonight. We started watching a movie. She got tired though so I left. She has to work tomorrow at 7am! It is okay. I am glad I got to spend some time with her atleast. I miss Katherine too. She was a good friend of mine as well. We talked about everything. We would walk the beach, go out to dinner, go out for icecream, go to the movies, etc. I enjoyed her company. No one can replace them. They were very special people in my life. We haven't kept in great contact though. Ericka seems to have found her place at her school though. Sometimes I wonder what would have happened to me if I chose to go to a different school or a different college. I think I feel lost because I feel unsure now of what I am doing. I don't know why but I do. I found myself the other day wanting to stop playing clarinet. Why do I go to school for that when it is the piano I love? But I've already made it through a year of clarinet and I don't know if I could get in for piano. Piano is what I love though. I wonder if I'll be able to make it through another year of theory and sight singing. I wonder if this is really what God wants me to do. I mean He opened the doors. He gave me gifts and talents. I got accepted into the program. I know I am suppose to be a teacher. Why do I have these other dreams though? I mean I'd love to just be an elementary school teacher, teach piano from my house, play piano in a restaurant, or play clarinet in an orchestra or band for the movies. Sometimes I wonder if maybe I was suppose to go to school to be a minister of music. I don't know. I want to make a difference. I want my life to count. I try to do the best I can. I try to do things right. For some reason I still feel a bit disconnected. What have I accomplished in the past year? 1) Finished 3 semesters of college 2) Got on the Deans List 3) Went through EE 4) Got involved in Chi Alpha 5) Learned to Cook better 6) Tried new things 7) Learned to drive to all different places 8) Learned to depend more on God 9) Learned who my true friends are 10) Led a Bible study 11) Read a good portion of the Old Testament (still going!) 12) Learned how to wash clothes better 13) Learned how to take care of a house 14) Learned how to kayak Well.. those are some things.... I'm sure I forgot a lot of things... This past year did have purpose. It is just hard to examine your life when you are so close to it... if you know what I mean. Maybe I'll keep a list of the things I feel accomplishment with next year.